Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
just had sex in a stairwell with six feet five inches worth of drama
Randomize
