Need sex. Gaining weight.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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