Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
She went from zero to smokin in five shots
You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm not sure what your ex was trying to say to me I was too busy chanting your name in his face
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
HE LEFT ME THE DAY AFTER I LET HIM PEE ON ME. If you date him after that, I'll leave the fucking PLANET.
She puked off the side of the cruise ship onto a newlyweds balcony table and they watched it all happen then they made her clean it up
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
I want you to defile me in my childhood bed.
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