I mean I can't believe yesterday ended w/ your house getting firebombed. What an unexpected turn of events
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
I wanna get to the point where I can just send a question mark and get an exclamation point in response
Randomize
