I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
come over i need a lifeguard for my shower
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
