K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Last night she walked off and disappeared from everyone got home at 330 and said she went to the casino with her cab driver.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I just gotta say that I feel so much better now that I got some. I mean I feel like a normal functioning adult ready to contribute to society.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I smell like Dick and happiness
That girl is like a master class on how to be an unlovable crazy person.
Perfect attendance and not being drunk since Sunday. This is a new leaf if I've ever seen one
Randomize
