I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
you might want to delete the history when you're done using the computer at work. did you ever find out what the white balls in your throat were?
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Breaking a step ladder over someone's back turned into a really fun game, way too quickly.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
Randomize
