LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
You've changed since you got that strap on
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
