they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Seriously I just dipped a banana in vodka I really need to stop drinking
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
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