i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
I need to start using my boobs for good instead of weed. Although really they're kind of the same thing
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
