I wish my penis had an off switch
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
19 Unhappily Married People Confess The Red Flags They Ignored
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
yah I made NO friends last night. at one point i think i replaced talking with spitting
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
These 23 People Destroyed Their Entire Lives In An Instant
I walking on her passed out on her bed, clutching a burrito and the walking dead dvd on replay.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I just bought a bong from a hot dog stand.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here