She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive