Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
23 Crazy Psychological Tricks You Have To Try on Someone RIGHT NOW
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.
These 25 People Forgave their Significant Others for Saying Stupid Things
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.