you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
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