I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
she works at a police station now. i think thats the definition of keeping your enemies closer.
You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He kept trying to order 'sex on the tennis courts' for a drink last night
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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