I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
