chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?
the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.
its was like we drinking an entire bottle of mystery
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
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