the whole city is out of plan b pills. this is the meanest game of musical chairs ever.
just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
if it looks like there's being an exorcism being performed you know your doing something right.
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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