I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
Well if were past the bullshitting stage yes if not then no I'm not that kind of guy
Unless you consider jello shots food the answer is no there is no dinner here. When u get food get more wine too tired of you coming over drinking all my booze and destroying my vagina
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
He sent me a limp picture of his penis with the caption " same ol, same ol' I cant believe these are the type of guys I sleep with
You went over didnt you?
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
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