Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.