You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
25 People Confess The Most Shocking Things They’ve Ever Seen In Public
my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
23 People Confess Why They Don’t Talk To Their Best Friend Anymore
Don't blame me. I told you I didn't know if I had a key to those hancuffs.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.