Bike broken, reschedule party till thursday:(
don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace