If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.