I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
The amount of my urine my roommate has consumed after I found out he's been eating my food almost offsets how angry I am
I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
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