I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
High with mom again. She's giving me relationship advice.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
crossed #23 off the Slucket List!
YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
