It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I got raped by $2 you call it's. I'm still hammered. And mentoring high school kids. My life is a joke.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
There was an unopened condom by my car when I went to pick it up this morning. Someone may have fucked on the hood of my car last night. Don't think it was me but I can't rule it out 100%.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
Randomize
