I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
When I find myself drinking from a boot I just go with it and refuse to ask why.
Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
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