and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
So apparently someone caught him as he was falling. And carried him around the rest of the night.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
sooo, that video of you eating lasangna with the strobe going magically reappeared on my phone
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Randomize
