we're chasing vodka with high fives
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Randomize
