M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
I was literally so lonely last night that I stopped watching a video on porn hub and just read the comments
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Randomize
