i already hear my dad disowning me
so i saw this homeless guy this morning yelling at a pay phone like chewbacca.
That's what you get for being in filth-adelphia.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
