Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.
Writing my paper on freud at bar
??
Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children
Smooth
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
That one dude should feel honored if he were to get herpes from you. Fuck that Guy. He is a herpe.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
The gift for sixth anniversary is steel. He bought me handcuffs. Inee I married the right man!
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
