apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
my friend was passed out in the bathroom so I threw up in the coffee maker, not the pot the water reservoir that kind of drunk.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
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