It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I found a dealer that takes plastic. I'm so in trouble.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
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