Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My vibrator looks like a lipstick tube. So does my mace. I just realized the potential problems of keeping them both in the same bag.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
should i feel bad about fucking you on my front lawn the day before you set me up with your best friend?
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