You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!
AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
I gave three different guys a boner at the same time last night, and none of them are in the same city as I am. That's achievement.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Randomize
