i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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