Me too ba-by. I wanna bite your ear lobes they are so fat.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
i just unintentionally masturbated to my own facebook picture
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
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Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
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My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Serious question: does drunken cyber sex with a stranger on omegle count as cheating???
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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