Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
