She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Judging by the grocery store, everyone stocked up on frozen pizza and beer for the blizzard. If our generation ever faces doomsday, we'll go out smiling.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
No need to get angry I'm just tryin to get my door back
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Last night I woke up and the national rep of his frat was sucking my toe.
And as the acid sets in, he looks back at the shallow form he used to call his and whispers "3 pee pees strong"
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
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