We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
there's something so ridiculous to me about watching someone with glasses exercising. it's like watching a whore studying in the library. stop trying to be someone you're not.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
Dude I need help. What word is complimentary, but sounds like "chunky"?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
On Wednesday I'm putting wine in a water bottle and crashing Margaret thatchers funeral
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
