if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
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