Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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