How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
You're gonna judge me.
Howd you sleep with him already
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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