so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
