I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
Randomize
