i just got a Mexican deported. not sure how to feel.
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
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