9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
I was his one phone call from jail and I hung up on him. He's fine though were gonna go to a party now.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Randomize
