You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
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