i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Randomize
