shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
that's like... drinking popov and saying its the worlds best vodka. you gotta try some others first. THERE SHOULD BE A MISS AMERICA PAGEANT. but like, mr penis. and they can do tricks and make unintelligent remarks and wear sparkly condoms.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
It's like your nipple is comforting my nipple.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
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