rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
Randomize
