quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
I'm so happy I'm only on my second drink. That would have been the best idea ever if I was on my fifth.
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
I opened my bookbag to put my laptop in and I found two granola bars and a pregnancy test. I am clearly prepared for life
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Randomize
