So theres a slight possibility i may not graduate according to planned because i was out getting laid instead of studying. And im okay with that.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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