So he sent me a text that said "say hi to your vajayjay for me"
Was there any message he wanted you to relay to your asshole?
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon
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Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just realized Ive had sex in or around each thing listed in Green Eggs and Ham besides the fox.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
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