We better get laid next semester cause I prayed hard
I even walked 30 feet with my eyes closed from two love rocks so that we get some cock
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
Trumps. I've been wiping my ass with fast food napkins for 3 days.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Randomize
