Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
Randomize
