Why do I always have sex on the first date when I know it demotes me to booty call girl?
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
Only you could walk of shame to a childrens pirate themed birthday party
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
