I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
