PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Is being in jail an excusable absence?
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I was asked last night if Magnum makes a XXL..... I don't think I've ever broken this many condoms in my life
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Last night I was the DD and was trying to drop off some chick I didn't know at her place. The closest thing to an address I got was "where the goldfish go."
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
