If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
Him showing up yesterday was like a giant ego stroke for my vagina.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
It's okay to admit that you're into redheads.
Randomize
