never have i ever had a craving for dick this badly
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
