speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Im going for myspace 2006 goth bitch. Your worst nightmare
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
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