I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
