Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
Oral sex and brunch. The perfect sunday morning.
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