I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
Did you know nanny-cams work just as well for recording that blow job on the sofa?
STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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