If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
